Kids’ dreams are full of resentment

My teaching practise was rather a bittersweet activity. On the first day I was so nervous, wondering if the lesson plan that I prepared would be well delivered. What if those matric pupils knew better than I did? Anyway, I started with kids at home, for some perspectives.

In one of my surprise, rash talks with my brother’s kids, I found the night very exciting as I was ganging against catnap. It started as a joke when I asked my 9-year-old nephew about his thoughts of the future. I did not waste any time, I started right away with what I wanted to know from him. I

asked about his ideal future: career, wife, house and all that, you know.

Shyly, wary of his answer, Tokollo said: “I want to be a police man.” I looked into his eyes with a fake smile, fortunately we used a candle light to lighten up the sitting room, and he could not see my frustration. I knew he was going to say that simply because his father was a member of the SAPS. But that was my definition of his choice. I did justice by asking further as to what led or informed his career choice. He then told me that I don’t have any reason. As I was with his little brother and sister, together with his close friend, I was discouraged to ask them the same questions. I knew I was going to get the “I don’t know” answers. I, in one moment, blamed myself for expecting such youngsters to be well-informed about their future. In my mind I thought letting them kick-start with preparations of the future was very imperative, especially at young age.

Just because I was waiting for a car to go to my place, I thought of asking just for fun, to kill time. I then asked his friend called Mpho the same question. He said he wanted to become a soldier. With a shock and exceeding disappointment, I asked why. Mpho said “I want to protect the country.” I smiled, for at least he had a reason for choosing the career. He got me interested in the topic again. I then said, “You want to protect your country from what?”

He looked at me with anger, deserting, destruction, discomposure and of course jeopardy. I was never scared of a kid before. That was when I truly realised that he has traits of a soldier. 

But I repeated my question as to why did he choose to become a soldier out of so many things. His reply was that he wanted to kill people because that’s what soldiers do. He started uproar and, in union with his friends, they were mentioning movies and starring characters whose killing prowess is unequalled. I called them to order, although with fear. He immediately looked at me and kept quiet in hatred. That’s when I realised that anger was playing smashes in his mind. He wanted to revenge the injustices he had encountered in his upbringing. I asked his age. When he said ten, I immediately imagined his struggle for a decade. It is quite a journey. I left the matter hot as it was and went on to ask the other kids.

I moved to a 5-year-old niece and asked her gently as she was almost asleep. She then raised her voice and said, “I want to be a teacher.” I looked at her, close to disappointment, that was when I realised that I am judgemental and expecting these kids to think like I do. I then impartially asked her why. She said: “Sorry I said a teacher; I should have said mistress or mam.” I laughed a bit and asked her the difference between a teacher and a mistress. Her response was “mam is a female and a teacher is a male”. Realising that I may confuse her, I just said “Good my girl”.

She started explaining her reasons for wanting to be an educator. One of the lines I remember verbatim is this: “Kids in class do not understand when our mam teaches. They can’t even draw a person nor to use crayons.” “I want to teach them”, and she started singing, “A E I O U. SA SE SI SO SU. MA ME MI MO MU. ABCDEFGHIKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.” I did not want to sing praises to her passion for teaching because that would have made her brother and friends dangerously jealous.

She continued to talk about nice things about teachers. She indicated how her mam is driving a nice and big car. How she dresses and walks. How she eats and speaks. I then came to a conclusion that she was Kim’s role model. As I was about to ask more about her choice, she said something that left me flabbergasted. She said: “I sit next to mam and I am the one to pick out those who make noise. I want to beat them when I become a teacher so they can learn very fast and do correct things.”

This statement spoiled my night. I nearly cried, but held back my painful tears. I know you are wondering why I am so disappointed after she was so eloquent in explaining her career choice. Yes, I agree and I don’t blame you. I felt so relieved that at least she knows what she wanted. But that was before I noticed her anger and grudge. She simply chose to be a teacher because she was beaten for not understanding in the class. For that she could not relate to the content. For that she was exercising her right to speech and association. For that she could not exercise her freedom of movement.

With a sad heart, I knew her choice was not different from that of Mpho who wanted to be a soldier because he endured a lot of poverty. So he is angry with life. Life taught them to be arrogant, defencive, power hungry, dictators and autocratic.

I then reluctantly asked the last man standing, Satshene. He confidently said: “I want to be a police man.” I then quickly noticed it’s because of her uncle who is a police man. I mean a father to Tokollo who also wishes to be a cop. I did want to ask further questions. I took a duvet and tried to nap on a couch as I waited for a transport to go to a rented room where I stayed during my internship.

Tokollo then said with a cheering and bully voice, asking Satshene, “Why do you want to be a police man.” I then quickly noticed that I might have unfairly drawn my assumptions that he does not know the reason for his choice. The 5-year-old quiet and reserved boy said, “I want to have a gun.”

I then attempted to sleep, knowing that I was right all along. They started laughing at one another and questioning each other’s choices. As they laughed at Satshene, he angrily said: “The reason I want to own a guy is because no one will ever talk to me the way they like. No one will wake me up when I don’t want to. No one will beat me at school. No one will touch my private parts when I play.” They started laughing even louder.

I then realised that he had decided to be a police man because he wanted protection from bullies, and all other things he never wanted them to happen to him. He is angered by the problems he came across.

Having heard about all of their decisions and the way they see life, I then started telling them about good life. I told them how maths will help them in future. How becoming a doctor pays a lot of money. How engineers become rich at early stages. How those who stay in big houses built them while still young. I then asked them again, one by one. 

Tokollo said he wanted to be a doctor, Kim said a model and nurse, Satshene was undecided and Mpho kept on saying even soldiers built huge houses. He pointed me a house and cars of a solider. And said they make a lot of money. I then asked him, how old the owner is. He said very old. And I said you see, you will only have money when you go for pension. His response was that maybe the soldier he is talking about started working while old. He will make it a point that he starts as early as possible. I then said you see them in movies, they carry heavy things and work very hard. 

He said its fine I don’t care. 

That’s when I realised that an emotional pain is heavier and weightier than a physical one. 

The car came and I left.